Out with the 20's and in with the 30's

Life has a funny way of not going the way I wanted it to go...or even planned for it go.

As I sit here, on the last night of my twenties and the eve of starting my thirties, I can't help but feel mixed emotions about this change.

I feel:

regret - for all the things I didn't do or had the opportunity to try and didn't while in my twenties

anxious - for the unknown and getting older

grief/disappointment - for the things I hoped would happen while I was in my twenties that didn't and cannot happen now

fear - of missing opportunities and unmet dreams/desires

and hope - for the continuation of my journey in life and the possibilities for the future.

There are days I am accepting of this change in my life and other days where I just want to pause time and not let it go forward. I can't go back and change anything but I can try to move forward and learn from the past.

I don't want to continue looking back on my life and having more regrets. I sometimes tell the teens I work with to live a life without regrets but I am not very good about following that advice myself.

This year I realized how many fears I have and how I am letting them dictate how I live my life. My biggest epiphany was the fear I have is the fear of failing - failing people's expectations of me (or what I think are people's expectations of me), failing at my job, failing in any aspect of life and even failing my own expectations. I haven't worked through it all yet, but now that I'm aware of it I hope to start working on living my life in a way that is not based on this fear.

I have learned that is okay to grieve - to grieve over the disappointment of not getting married or starting a family in my twenties while watching friends and family members have the blessing of starting their own marriages/families. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that so many friends and family members have been blessed with these things and I enjoy seeing all the pictures, but there is always a sense of loss that follows along...sometimes it's a really strong feeling and other times it isn't.

I am thankful for all of the adventures I have had the privilege or opportunity to have. I have seen some amazing places, learned and grown, and continue to feel the love and support of family and friends. I am so thankful for my time in Nebraska, the trips to visit family and friends, experiencing God's creation to the fullest and celebrating the good things in life with those I love.

Sometimes I feel confused about why God didn't let the things happen that I hoped or dreamed for while in my twenties. I feel stuck sometimes about what to do with my life since nothings I planned has happened.

Not to say I'm not grateful for what I have experienced or where I am at...I am...most of the time.

I guess my hope in writing this is the hope it
will encourage someone and/or let others know they are not alone, as well as, to remind others of what it's like for us to be single as we get older. It's okay to grieve, to feel loss and disappointment but to also move forward with our lives and continue reaching for our dreams.

There are times I struggle with being content in my singleness, with feeling alone or without a purpose. I have to continually work on reminding myself that my worth is not found in marriage or even in my job but in who I am in Christ - and that should be all I care about. Easier said than done, but still true.

I will always be a work in progress. I will make mistakes and I will forget the truth of where my worth lies at times.

My hope is to continue encouraging others, growing in Christ and to have less regrets as I get older.

So, here is to my 30's and the journey it brings. May it bring many blessings, laughs, good memories and beautiful friendships.

Things that should never be...

My mom recently wrote a poem about her experiences listening to stories of abuse, or as she put stories that should never be. She put into words my exact feelings when I hear about what has happened to the teens I work with (maybe someday she will share her poem with the world).

Those stories should not exist...but they do.

And it breaks my heart.

And it overwhelms me...sometimes to the point where I don't think anything will ever change.

I believe all the pain comes down to humans only focusing on what they want and not caring who it will impact or hurt in the process...and it has many forms.

What child or teen should have to deal with the fact that their parent got them hooked on drugs at a young age and now they will struggle with that addiction for the rest of their life?

What child or teen should have to deal with the fact that the only "love" they know was through being raped by a trusted family member over and over and have to deal with that abuse/trauma for the rest of their life?

What child or teen should have to deal with the fact that their parents cared more about pleasing themselves to where they left their children to fend for themselves and now they have to grow up in other peoples home and never feel wanted?

What child or teen should have to deal with being reminded, through physical and emotional scars placed there by people who were suppose to care and love them, of what they had to go through and have to deal with those scars for the rest of their lives?

Through the last eight years, I have heard multiple stories of the atrocious things adults have done to the teens I worked with...and it has continually broken my heart that there are people out there who would treat children so badly.

I have been asked and sometimes have even wondered about why God would allow these awful things to happen to innocent children. I can't say I really have a firm answer other then to understand that there is sin in this world and God has given all of us free will.

Yes, God could stop all of these evil things from happening, but He chooses not to most of the time.

Does that mean He doesn't love and care for us? No.

God allowed bad things to happen to Job, he lost his family and his home and his livelihood, but he still chose to see that God was there and would not turn away from Him.

I also know, that if I hadn't gone through the things I have gone through I would not be the person I am today with a heart and passion to reach those who are hurting.

Yes, there are time I wish I hadn't gone through abuse and such because I'm tired of dealing with the emotions and reminders, but at the same time I also know that I have grown and learn things through my experiences that I probably would not understand otherwise.

What I do know is that God is good.

We all will go through hard times, but it's how we choose to respond to the hard times that matters.

We can choose to let those experiences fuel our passions and make a difference in this world or we can choose to let those experience make us bitter.

It's obvious to me that there is a lot of hurt and pain in this world and I can only hope and pray that God will work through me to make even a little bit of difference.

Think of what He can do with 10 or 20 or 50 of us who are willing to take a stand against the sins of this world and try to make it a better place all through what God has done in us through our own experiences.

It is only because of His love, grace, mercy and forgiveness that I am who I am and can continue forward with my life.

And because of...

Hope.

That's why I continue doing what I do.

Because everyone deserves to have hope.

November - The Month of Thanksgiving and Adoption Awareness

November is the month of Thanksgiving and it is also National Adoption Awareness Month. For some, adoption carries no meaning while for others it is a subject full of mixed emotions.

Many have started recognizing the things or people they are thankful for each day of November, myself being one of them. It has been proven (I believe) that an attitude of gratitude can have a positive impact on our day. 

In thinking of all the things I have to be thankful for I have been pondering a lot about the people in our world who do not have family, as well as, those who have been adopted.

As many know, I am adopted. I was adopted when I was six years old, but I started living with my adoptive parents when I was almost four years old. Unfortunately, the circumstances around the reason for my adoption are not pleasant. I would like to point out though, that my birth mother had to make a tough choice in giving up her biological children (I do not know who my birth father is so he has never been in the picture). The fact that she did it in hopes that it would give us  a better chance at a good life is something I am thankful for. I can never truly understand what it took to make that decision or all the things she went through after we were taken, but I do thank her from the bottom of my heart for making that decision.

My adoptive parents were in their early thirties and had not been able to have their own children and decided to look into adoption. Little did they know how that decision would change their lives.

They received a call from a state worker asking them if they would be interested in taking in a new born baby (my younger brother) and a little girl. From what my parents told me, they made a decision in less than twenty-four hours, but they were not prepared to take care of two little ones. That is when their community of friends and family all pitched in to help make sure they had everything they needed from diapers and formula, to meals and clothes for a little girl. Knowing this has always touched me, to know that my parents had such supportive friends and family in a time when adoption wasn't a popular.

It took the courts two and a half years to finally allow my brother and I to be adopted. Finally the big day came. We all got dressed up, went to the county courthouse to make our family an official forever family. Close friends and family gathered around as the Judge asked me if I wanted to forever live with my parents and my brother. Of course my answer was yes. He than asked my brother the same question to which he answered a resounding "NO". It should be noted that he was two years old at the time and "no" was his favorite word. This has always added a bit of humor to our adoption story.

We celebrated becoming an official family by going to McDonalds (where else do you go with little kids?). Later that night we had more friends over to celebrate and I helped my mom decorate a cake. I even made up a song to the tune of "Happy Birthday" that I called "Celebration Happy". It was a happy day for all of us and we continue to celebrate that day every year. This year marked 23 years.

When I think about all this, it generally brings up happy memories. I am so thankful for my adoptive parents and all the extended family and friends that came with them.

Throughout the years, I remember talking to my parents about one day finding my birth mother and telling her I forgive her for what happened to me that led to me having to be adopted. And I truly meant this. I also wanted to someday find out how about her family and how they were doing. My parents asked me to wait till I was at least 18 to look for her.

I thought about reaching out off and on once I graduated high school, but it wasn't until I was in my early/mid - twenties that I finally decided to find my birth mother and her family. This eventually led to my first face to face visit with my birth mother and some of her family in about 24 years. 

What I hope people will understand is that I have never in my life wanted to replace my adoptive parents. They are the ones who raised me and stayed by my side through thick and thin. And I have made a point of telling them how much I love them. This also goes for my adoptive extended family. My parents have been supportive of me and there for me through this whole experience, and I am so thankful they are willing to go through this experience with me.

My parents could probably speak better to what it is like to be adoptive parents and have to deal with their children learning about and meeting their biological family. I'm sure it isn't easy for them. I can only truly speak from the perspective of someone who has been adopted.

Since reaching out to my birth family, I have and continue to struggle and work through many feelings. I continue to struggle with anger, sadness, disappointment, confusion, numbness and even sometimes the sense of betrayal. However, in the midst of all of those more negative feelings I also feel gratitude and what I can only credit as a love that comes from God.

Before having met my birth mother and her family, it was much easier for me to compartmentalize my feelings and say yes, I was hurt but I could focus on forgiveness and gratitude. But once I met them face to face, it was like I was reminded that they are human too. They have made mistakes but that doesn't mean they couldn't have changed over the years. I'm sad to say, in a way I almost wished they were mean because I felt that would be easier to deal with what I was going through. But God, in his mercy and grace knew that I needed to be reminded that they are human beings in need of love and forgiveness just as much as I am.

Do I have everything figured out...no, not at all. But slowly and surely God has been working in and on my heart and working on healing the wounds and scars that are a part of my life. Can I sincerely say right now that I forgive my birth mother and her family...no, but I am getting there. It has been good for me to be able to be around them, getting to know them and getting to see the good to balance out what I know from my past. I am thankful for my time with them, especially with getting to know my biological maternal grandmother before she passed away in September.

I still have a ways to go. My hope is that this is encouraging for others who have gone through something similar or for those who have adopted or wanting to adopt to understand that it won't be easy. However, no kid  or teenager should go with out a forever family and I believe it is worth the work. There is no cookie cutter way to deal with any of this. But with the love, care and support of family and friends and the grace, mercy and love of Christ, it is doable.

Adoption isn't for everyone, but that doesn't mean you can't be a support for someone else who either wants to adopt, has adopted or has been adopted.

Without God and my adoptive parents, I would not be where I am or who I am today. This is why I am thankful for adoption and for having a time each year that reminds me of how much I have to be thankful for.

War of the Mind

Who knew trying to make healthier habits in life could be so tough.

Over this last week I have come to realize how much my thoughts affect my choices. I feel like I'm playing mind games with myself. You should hear some of the conversations that go on inside of my head...it would probably sound something like, "Oooh, that smells good and I'm hungry. Wait, no I can't eat that because it has gluten. But it smells good and I'm tired and I don't want to make dinner tonight. I know, but it's not good for me right now and I need to say no. But I'm so hungry and tired and it's right there. NO, walk away!" (This might be why I get tired so much, my brain wears me out. ;-) )

I decided to go gluten, dairy, and caffeine free for 10-15 days and today marks day 8 (working on seeing how those things affect my body and how they make me feel). The first day I was fine, but man, that second and third day really was hard. I don't know how many times I just wanted to go to Starbucks or just get whatever sounded good. The great thing was I had surprising strength in refusing to give in to the cravings or desires. Well, if I'm honest I don't think that strength came from me but from Christ. On my own, I have a hard time saying "no" to what I want, even if I know it's not good for me.

It's amazing how much I want things now or to feel good now. We live in an age of instant gratification. No wonder so many people have such a hard time with patience and saying "no". If you have been watching TV lately, there is a new show that started last night called "Rising Star". Their commercials even use the phrase "instant gratification" and talk about how we want things right away (but not in the context of saying we should learn to slow down and wait, but saying this show will give that to the viewers).

Granted, I'm not the best model for saying no and waiting, but I'd like it to be something I become better at but I can only do it through Christ's strength because there is no way I can say no to the things I want for very long. Saying "no" isn't just for the food I want to eat but shouldn't, but it's also for what I spend my time on or even the things I choose to think about.

I think this can be harder for those who are single. When I get home, I don't have to think about feeding anyone but myself. If I don't want to clean I don't have to because who's going to see it? I can watch whatever I want or do whatever I want without having to worry about anyone else. I'm the only one holding myself accountable, or so I tend to think.

The thing is though, God is also holding me accountable for my thoughts, words and actions. Does this mean I don't ever do something or think something I shouldn't? Unfortunately, no. Which is why I am so thankful for God's mercy and grace because I am a messed up human being. That does not excuse me from working on making better choices, filtering my thoughts and watching what I say. I am the only one responsible for what I do, say and think and I will probably have to continually work on this.

The good news is though, that even though I mess up and continually have to work on myself, that doesn't change the fact that I am loved by the One who created me and He continues to accept me and love me despite my flows. Oh the wonders of God seeing me through Christ's righteousness and not having to earn my salvation.

Anyway, these are just some of the things I've been thinking over this last week with some of the changes I have been making. Am I perfect and will I get it all right? No, but as someone so greatly put it, "it's about progress, not perfection". This will be an ongoing journey for me, and hopefully it will bring me closer to my Savior and help me become a healthier person - mind, body and soul.

Learning to Accept Myself through Christ's Love for Me

In the last few months I have spent some time thinking about turning 30. Well, if I'm honest with myself it was more like freaking out. In less than a month I will be turning 29. You're probably thinking what does this have to do with turning 30...I'm getting there. In realizing that I will be 29 this year means I am only one year away from the big 30 and due to the freaking out I starting thinking more about why it was freaking me out.

This was my epiphany.

I'm not happy with how I have spent the last 9 years of my life. Yes, I've had a lot of great experiences and done a lot of things, but what most people don't know about me is that I spent those years worrying about and missing out on opportunities because of my weight and how I view myself.

If you have every watched Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition, when Chris first meets with his client he has them do their first weigh in with taking their shirt off (yes, guys and girls) because they are no longer hiding their struggles but are facing them head on. The idea that it's hard to keep a secret if you bare all and that can be the best form of accountability (hence why people are more successful with goals when they have friends/family supporting them or doing it with them).

This is my bare all...my confession so to speak. I have struggled with my self-image/esteem since I was little and I've worked hard at hiding it. I could come up with all kinds of reasons behind it, but I'm not going to do that because in the end, it really comes down to is do I really believe that God loves me (warts and all)? I want to say yes, but really I have become too focused on worrying about looking and acting how I think the world says I should.

I just finished reading The Daniel Plan by Pastor Rick Warren, Dr. Amen and Dr. Hyman and there was a truth in there that I never thought or realized and I can't stop thinking about it...I am responsible for what God has given me, including my mind and body. So it comes down to this, am I taking the best care of my mind and body so that I am ready and able to do what God calls me to do or is the lack of care preventing me from doing what God has called me to do?

I'm tired of living with regrets and not loving myself and how God created me to be (imperfections and all). I'm tired of worrying what other people think or how they see me. My focus should be on Christ and not the world, and sadly I have failed at this.

So, all this is to say I am at a point in my life where I am ready to make a life long change, a life-style change.

This is my own personal journey and I'm not asking you to do what I am doing. What I would appreciate is for anyone who reads this blog to keep me in your prayers and to encourage/support me as I work at getting rid of bad habits and replacing them with healthy habits (specifically around food, fitness, focus and faith). My hope is that I will continue to have the courage to be real and sometime vulnerable in order to really make the changes I hope to make. God can do amazing things, and I know I can't do this on my own and my hope and prayer is that this will draw me closer in my relationship with Him and in turn be a better role model for the youth I work with now and in the future.

Light-bulb Moments

Recently I started reading a book called The Hole in Our Gospel by Richard Stearns (President of World Vision). While I was reading it today at Starbucks I came across a section that just fits where I am at right now. I feel like if I was in a cartoon you would have seen a lightbulb appear above my head. I'd like to share it with you.

In this passage, Richard is talking about a time when he was unemployed.

" I understood more clearly that God's daily provision of manna (referring to the Israelites wandering in the desert for 40 years)-bread that literally fell from heaven-was a forty-year lesson to His people that they were totally and completely dependent on Him for their very lives. They were helpless in the wilderness without God's constant care, and I was learning the hard way that I was too. When you are unemployed, you feel helpless. You can't just go get a job; someone has to offer you one. For a former CEO, this powerlessness was excruciating, but it drove home the message that all we are and all we have come from God's hand.
No matter where I was or what my circumstances were, I was made to love, serve, and obey God. I could do all three whether unemployed or as a CEO-my situation didn't matter. When I was eventually offered a job, I took that lesson with me and began each day asking, how can I love, serve, and obey God today, in this place with these people?"

I have totally been in that place where I have felt helpless...and at times a failure because I couldn't get a job. When I moved back from Nebraska in February I expected it to take a month or two to get a job, but never 5 months. I have spent time worrying what tomorrow would bring and how I would be able to pay for my bills, gas, etc. Even in my worry and doubt God has been faithful to me in some amazing ways. For the last couple months I wasn't sure how I would pay my phone bill and other bills as well as gas for my car, but God being the All-Knowing One that He is knew what I needed. At just the right time He provided me with several odd jobs and even an unexpected check in the mail. I would like to thank everyone who has been kind enough to "hire" me for odd jobs. I have been truely blessed by you and God for those opportunities! THANK YOU!!! He had other places say no to my applications because He knew that eventually I would get a yes from the place He wanted me to be at. Even though I won't have a full time job, I feel that I am finally beginning to understand how He watches over me and provides for me. He is the God of the Impossible! How could I doubt His provision in my life? There are times I feel like such a fool for doubting God and relying on myself to save me. But He continues to have patience with me.

A little later on in the book, Richard talks about the rich young man and how Jesus told him to sell everything and it to the poor and to come follow him. Then the author says this, "When we say that we want to be His disciple, yet attach a list of conditions, Jesus refuses to accept our terms. His terms involve unconditional surrender." At this point I had another lightbulb moment...I am poor. I haven't necessarily sold all my possessions to become poor, but I am. I am at a place in my life where I have nothing, and I have to totally rely on God for everything.( I would like to say, that I realized today that I am also very rich in blessings. I am blessed to have parents who were willing to let me live with them while I figure out what's next. I am blessed by family and friends who have supported me and encouraged me and prayed for me over the last few months. I am blessed to have a car that works and I could afford. I am blessed to have grandparents who have paid me for work projects when they don't have to. I am blessed to be able to get back involved with different ministries in the church. I am blessed to be accepted at a great college so I can finish my degree.)

I've been feeling stuck in a rut for a while, and I feel like I've just been empowered to go change the world by following Jesus despite the fact that I have no money.This was also a reminder to me that I need to totally surrender everything to Christ because I want to follow Him in everything I do. My life is meant to "love, serve, and obey God" and that is what I need to be doing. God has given me my passions for a reason and He's waiting to see what I will do with them. I am sad to say that I have made a lot of lame excuses for not doing things or following through with things because I thought it was too hard. Instead I should have been trusting God to remove those barriers and not being afraid of the tough stuff because I have the God of the Impossible on my side. I guess what I'm trying to say is...I realize I have been doubting God and His ability to provide for me for my every need. And He has patiently been proving to me over and over again that He is watching over me and has a plan for me. I guess it just took a couple "lightbulb" moments today to finally get it.

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?" Matt. 6:25-30 ESV

Lessons in transitions, waiting, patience, and God's timing...

Life never goes the way I expect it to go. You would think by now I would catch on to the fact that God's plans don't always line up with my plans. Actually, it's the other way around...my plans don't always line up with God's plans.

There have been times in the last three months where I have questioned my decision to move from Nebraska to Oregon. Nothing is going the way I thought it would go. I don't have a job, I just bought a car, and I have bills coming up that will take most of the money I have left. So it would make sense I would question whether moving home was a good idea. If I didn't move home then I would still have a job and then I could save up more money before moving home. But in these moments I catch myself. Yes, life would be a lot easier if I had stayed in Nebraska, but I honestly and truly believe God wants me where I am now. In those moments of doubt, I hear a small voice reminding me that life with God isn't always easy and He is asking me to trust Him to provide for me. I wish I could say it's easy, but it's not. Over the last three months of being home I have gone up and down on an emotional rollarcoaster, and wondering what it is God wants me to do. There are days where I have so many different thoughts going on in my head that I can't concentrate on anything else, and then there are days where I feel my life is pointless and boring. Sometimes I feel being home is harder then being away from home. In all this, I believe God is working on me and in me. He's pointing out things I need to work on and things that need to change in my heart. He is showing me what it means to wait on Him and His timing, and what it means to have patience with the process. I'm not saying I have it all down and I'm doing great. I'm saying that I am a work in progress and I know God is using this time in my life to mold me even more than He already has.

I am learning how much of my heart hurts for those who do not know Him, and how many different things I would like to do but don't know where to begin. I am realizing more and more how much I love my Savior Jesus Christ, and want to live a life that reflects Him. Being a Christian is about living a Christ-centered life. It's not about looking good or about having the appearance of being a "good Christian". It's about accepting people for who they are in that moment...warts and all. It's about reaching out to the lost and the hurting...including the hurting in the body of Christ. I am learning that being a Christian is so much more than just accepting Christ into my life, and that God is so much more then I thought. My purpose here on earth is to bring glory to the Creator of the universe, and not to live a life of pleasing myself (and I am still a work in progress in this area). God has been showing me so many things about Himself that I am just in awe of Him.

I am writing all of this because I want to be real with you, and hopefully encourage you. I still mess up, and God is continually working and molding me. I am struggling with a lot of things right now, but I know God is in it all and He will provide for me. I am so thankful to have such a mighty, wonderful, merciful God looking out for me and I can't wait to see what else He has in store for me.