As I sit here, on the last night of my twenties and the eve of starting my thirties, I can't help but feel mixed emotions about this change.
I feel:
regret - for all the things I didn't do or had the opportunity to try and didn't while in my twenties
anxious - for the unknown and getting older
grief/disappointment - for the things I hoped would happen while I was in my twenties that didn't and cannot happen now
fear - of missing opportunities and unmet dreams/desires
and hope - for the continuation of my journey in life and the possibilities for the future.
There are days I am accepting of this change in my life and other days where I just want to pause time and not let it go forward. I can't go back and change anything but I can try to move forward and learn from the past.
I don't want to continue looking back on my life and having more regrets. I sometimes tell the teens I work with to live a life without regrets but I am not very good about following that advice myself.
This year I realized how many fears I have and how I am letting them dictate how I live my life. My biggest epiphany was the fear I have is the fear of failing - failing people's expectations of me (or what I think are people's expectations of me), failing at my job, failing in any aspect of life and even failing my own expectations. I haven't worked through it all yet, but now that I'm aware of it I hope to start working on living my life in a way that is not based on this fear.
I have learned that is okay to grieve - to grieve over the disappointment of not getting married or starting a family in my twenties while watching friends and family members have the blessing of starting their own marriages/families. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that so many friends and family members have been blessed with these things and I enjoy seeing all the pictures, but there is always a sense of loss that follows along...sometimes it's a really strong feeling and other times it isn't.
I am thankful for all of the adventures I have had the privilege or opportunity to have. I have seen some amazing places, learned and grown, and continue to feel the love and support of family and friends. I am so thankful for my time in Nebraska, the trips to visit family and friends, experiencing God's creation to the fullest and celebrating the good things in life with those I love.
Sometimes I feel confused about why God didn't let the things happen that I hoped or dreamed for while in my twenties. I feel stuck sometimes about what to do with my life since nothings I planned has happened.
Not to say I'm not grateful for what I have experienced or where I am at...I am...most of the time.
I guess my hope in writing this is the hope it
will encourage someone and/or let others know they are not alone, as well as, to remind others of what it's like for us to be single as we get older. It's okay to grieve, to feel loss and disappointment but to also move forward with our lives and continue reaching for our dreams.
There are times I struggle with being content in my singleness, with feeling alone or without a purpose. I have to continually work on reminding myself that my worth is not found in marriage or even in my job but in who I am in Christ - and that should be all I care about. Easier said than done, but still true.
I will always be a work in progress. I will make mistakes and I will forget the truth of where my worth lies at times.
My hope is to continue encouraging others, growing in Christ and to have less regrets as I get older.
So, here is to my 30's and the journey it brings. May it bring many blessings, laughs, good memories and beautiful friendships.
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