War of the Mind

Who knew trying to make healthier habits in life could be so tough.

Over this last week I have come to realize how much my thoughts affect my choices. I feel like I'm playing mind games with myself. You should hear some of the conversations that go on inside of my head...it would probably sound something like, "Oooh, that smells good and I'm hungry. Wait, no I can't eat that because it has gluten. But it smells good and I'm tired and I don't want to make dinner tonight. I know, but it's not good for me right now and I need to say no. But I'm so hungry and tired and it's right there. NO, walk away!" (This might be why I get tired so much, my brain wears me out. ;-) )

I decided to go gluten, dairy, and caffeine free for 10-15 days and today marks day 8 (working on seeing how those things affect my body and how they make me feel). The first day I was fine, but man, that second and third day really was hard. I don't know how many times I just wanted to go to Starbucks or just get whatever sounded good. The great thing was I had surprising strength in refusing to give in to the cravings or desires. Well, if I'm honest I don't think that strength came from me but from Christ. On my own, I have a hard time saying "no" to what I want, even if I know it's not good for me.

It's amazing how much I want things now or to feel good now. We live in an age of instant gratification. No wonder so many people have such a hard time with patience and saying "no". If you have been watching TV lately, there is a new show that started last night called "Rising Star". Their commercials even use the phrase "instant gratification" and talk about how we want things right away (but not in the context of saying we should learn to slow down and wait, but saying this show will give that to the viewers).

Granted, I'm not the best model for saying no and waiting, but I'd like it to be something I become better at but I can only do it through Christ's strength because there is no way I can say no to the things I want for very long. Saying "no" isn't just for the food I want to eat but shouldn't, but it's also for what I spend my time on or even the things I choose to think about.

I think this can be harder for those who are single. When I get home, I don't have to think about feeding anyone but myself. If I don't want to clean I don't have to because who's going to see it? I can watch whatever I want or do whatever I want without having to worry about anyone else. I'm the only one holding myself accountable, or so I tend to think.

The thing is though, God is also holding me accountable for my thoughts, words and actions. Does this mean I don't ever do something or think something I shouldn't? Unfortunately, no. Which is why I am so thankful for God's mercy and grace because I am a messed up human being. That does not excuse me from working on making better choices, filtering my thoughts and watching what I say. I am the only one responsible for what I do, say and think and I will probably have to continually work on this.

The good news is though, that even though I mess up and continually have to work on myself, that doesn't change the fact that I am loved by the One who created me and He continues to accept me and love me despite my flows. Oh the wonders of God seeing me through Christ's righteousness and not having to earn my salvation.

Anyway, these are just some of the things I've been thinking over this last week with some of the changes I have been making. Am I perfect and will I get it all right? No, but as someone so greatly put it, "it's about progress, not perfection". This will be an ongoing journey for me, and hopefully it will bring me closer to my Savior and help me become a healthier person - mind, body and soul.

Learning to Accept Myself through Christ's Love for Me

In the last few months I have spent some time thinking about turning 30. Well, if I'm honest with myself it was more like freaking out. In less than a month I will be turning 29. You're probably thinking what does this have to do with turning 30...I'm getting there. In realizing that I will be 29 this year means I am only one year away from the big 30 and due to the freaking out I starting thinking more about why it was freaking me out.

This was my epiphany.

I'm not happy with how I have spent the last 9 years of my life. Yes, I've had a lot of great experiences and done a lot of things, but what most people don't know about me is that I spent those years worrying about and missing out on opportunities because of my weight and how I view myself.

If you have every watched Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition, when Chris first meets with his client he has them do their first weigh in with taking their shirt off (yes, guys and girls) because they are no longer hiding their struggles but are facing them head on. The idea that it's hard to keep a secret if you bare all and that can be the best form of accountability (hence why people are more successful with goals when they have friends/family supporting them or doing it with them).

This is my bare all...my confession so to speak. I have struggled with my self-image/esteem since I was little and I've worked hard at hiding it. I could come up with all kinds of reasons behind it, but I'm not going to do that because in the end, it really comes down to is do I really believe that God loves me (warts and all)? I want to say yes, but really I have become too focused on worrying about looking and acting how I think the world says I should.

I just finished reading The Daniel Plan by Pastor Rick Warren, Dr. Amen and Dr. Hyman and there was a truth in there that I never thought or realized and I can't stop thinking about it...I am responsible for what God has given me, including my mind and body. So it comes down to this, am I taking the best care of my mind and body so that I am ready and able to do what God calls me to do or is the lack of care preventing me from doing what God has called me to do?

I'm tired of living with regrets and not loving myself and how God created me to be (imperfections and all). I'm tired of worrying what other people think or how they see me. My focus should be on Christ and not the world, and sadly I have failed at this.

So, all this is to say I am at a point in my life where I am ready to make a life long change, a life-style change.

This is my own personal journey and I'm not asking you to do what I am doing. What I would appreciate is for anyone who reads this blog to keep me in your prayers and to encourage/support me as I work at getting rid of bad habits and replacing them with healthy habits (specifically around food, fitness, focus and faith). My hope is that I will continue to have the courage to be real and sometime vulnerable in order to really make the changes I hope to make. God can do amazing things, and I know I can't do this on my own and my hope and prayer is that this will draw me closer in my relationship with Him and in turn be a better role model for the youth I work with now and in the future.