Out with the 20's and in with the 30's

Life has a funny way of not going the way I wanted it to go...or even planned for it go.

As I sit here, on the last night of my twenties and the eve of starting my thirties, I can't help but feel mixed emotions about this change.

I feel:

regret - for all the things I didn't do or had the opportunity to try and didn't while in my twenties

anxious - for the unknown and getting older

grief/disappointment - for the things I hoped would happen while I was in my twenties that didn't and cannot happen now

fear - of missing opportunities and unmet dreams/desires

and hope - for the continuation of my journey in life and the possibilities for the future.

There are days I am accepting of this change in my life and other days where I just want to pause time and not let it go forward. I can't go back and change anything but I can try to move forward and learn from the past.

I don't want to continue looking back on my life and having more regrets. I sometimes tell the teens I work with to live a life without regrets but I am not very good about following that advice myself.

This year I realized how many fears I have and how I am letting them dictate how I live my life. My biggest epiphany was the fear I have is the fear of failing - failing people's expectations of me (or what I think are people's expectations of me), failing at my job, failing in any aspect of life and even failing my own expectations. I haven't worked through it all yet, but now that I'm aware of it I hope to start working on living my life in a way that is not based on this fear.

I have learned that is okay to grieve - to grieve over the disappointment of not getting married or starting a family in my twenties while watching friends and family members have the blessing of starting their own marriages/families. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that so many friends and family members have been blessed with these things and I enjoy seeing all the pictures, but there is always a sense of loss that follows along...sometimes it's a really strong feeling and other times it isn't.

I am thankful for all of the adventures I have had the privilege or opportunity to have. I have seen some amazing places, learned and grown, and continue to feel the love and support of family and friends. I am so thankful for my time in Nebraska, the trips to visit family and friends, experiencing God's creation to the fullest and celebrating the good things in life with those I love.

Sometimes I feel confused about why God didn't let the things happen that I hoped or dreamed for while in my twenties. I feel stuck sometimes about what to do with my life since nothings I planned has happened.

Not to say I'm not grateful for what I have experienced or where I am at...I am...most of the time.

I guess my hope in writing this is the hope it
will encourage someone and/or let others know they are not alone, as well as, to remind others of what it's like for us to be single as we get older. It's okay to grieve, to feel loss and disappointment but to also move forward with our lives and continue reaching for our dreams.

There are times I struggle with being content in my singleness, with feeling alone or without a purpose. I have to continually work on reminding myself that my worth is not found in marriage or even in my job but in who I am in Christ - and that should be all I care about. Easier said than done, but still true.

I will always be a work in progress. I will make mistakes and I will forget the truth of where my worth lies at times.

My hope is to continue encouraging others, growing in Christ and to have less regrets as I get older.

So, here is to my 30's and the journey it brings. May it bring many blessings, laughs, good memories and beautiful friendships.

Things that should never be...

My mom recently wrote a poem about her experiences listening to stories of abuse, or as she put stories that should never be. She put into words my exact feelings when I hear about what has happened to the teens I work with (maybe someday she will share her poem with the world).

Those stories should not exist...but they do.

And it breaks my heart.

And it overwhelms me...sometimes to the point where I don't think anything will ever change.

I believe all the pain comes down to humans only focusing on what they want and not caring who it will impact or hurt in the process...and it has many forms.

What child or teen should have to deal with the fact that their parent got them hooked on drugs at a young age and now they will struggle with that addiction for the rest of their life?

What child or teen should have to deal with the fact that the only "love" they know was through being raped by a trusted family member over and over and have to deal with that abuse/trauma for the rest of their life?

What child or teen should have to deal with the fact that their parents cared more about pleasing themselves to where they left their children to fend for themselves and now they have to grow up in other peoples home and never feel wanted?

What child or teen should have to deal with being reminded, through physical and emotional scars placed there by people who were suppose to care and love them, of what they had to go through and have to deal with those scars for the rest of their lives?

Through the last eight years, I have heard multiple stories of the atrocious things adults have done to the teens I worked with...and it has continually broken my heart that there are people out there who would treat children so badly.

I have been asked and sometimes have even wondered about why God would allow these awful things to happen to innocent children. I can't say I really have a firm answer other then to understand that there is sin in this world and God has given all of us free will.

Yes, God could stop all of these evil things from happening, but He chooses not to most of the time.

Does that mean He doesn't love and care for us? No.

God allowed bad things to happen to Job, he lost his family and his home and his livelihood, but he still chose to see that God was there and would not turn away from Him.

I also know, that if I hadn't gone through the things I have gone through I would not be the person I am today with a heart and passion to reach those who are hurting.

Yes, there are time I wish I hadn't gone through abuse and such because I'm tired of dealing with the emotions and reminders, but at the same time I also know that I have grown and learn things through my experiences that I probably would not understand otherwise.

What I do know is that God is good.

We all will go through hard times, but it's how we choose to respond to the hard times that matters.

We can choose to let those experiences fuel our passions and make a difference in this world or we can choose to let those experience make us bitter.

It's obvious to me that there is a lot of hurt and pain in this world and I can only hope and pray that God will work through me to make even a little bit of difference.

Think of what He can do with 10 or 20 or 50 of us who are willing to take a stand against the sins of this world and try to make it a better place all through what God has done in us through our own experiences.

It is only because of His love, grace, mercy and forgiveness that I am who I am and can continue forward with my life.

And because of...

Hope.

That's why I continue doing what I do.

Because everyone deserves to have hope.