Lord, help me...

With October just around the corner, I am taking the time to look back at the year I have spent in Nebraska. It has been stretching, trying, stressful, rewarding, and a time of growth. This job is definitly a lot harder than I ever imagined. The Lord is good and faithful. But please don't stop praying. I am finding this year point to be about the most trying time for me. Working here has opened my eyes to many lies these youth believe, and in turn I have found that I believe. I am currently finding myself struggling with quite a few personal things, as well as trying to help these kids. I'm getting in the way, and I am finding I have lost my focus. Instead of focusing on God and these kids, my focus has turned to me. I'm not sure when this happened, but now that I realize it I am struggling with turning it back to the Lord. Please pray that the Lord will reveal the lies I have believed and help me to replace it with Truth. I feel I can't give these kids what they need because of myself. I don't know if this makes sense, but please pray that God will become my focus again...that I will lean on Him and rely on Him each and every day! Thank you for your support through your prayers, encouragments, and sometimes even money. They are all very much appreciated and remind me how I am not alone. Blessings!

1 Peter 1:13-16, 22-25

Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and

being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the

grace that will be brought to you at the revelation

of Jesus Christ.

As obedient children, do not be conformed to the

passions of your former ignorance, but as he who

called you is holy, you also be holy in all your

conduct, since it is written, "You shall be holy, for I am holy".

Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one

another earnestly from a pure heart, since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but

of imperishable,

through the living and abiding word of God; for "All flesh is like grass and all it's glory like the

flower of the grass. The grass withers, and the flower falls, but the word of the Lord remains

forever."

And this word is the good news that was

preached to you.

when it rains, it floods...literally

On facebook, I've mentioned my room flooding yesterday and several people have wondered how it happened. So, I figured I'd write about it on my blog to give you the whole story. I woke up around 6am on Wednesday morning to a big thunderstorm. It started raining really hard, but I didn't think anything of it. I dozed off until my alarm went off at 6:30am. As I'm laying in bed I realize it sounds like there is running water in my room. I turn on my lamp and look towards my window, figuring that would be where the water would come in. The windowsill is dry, so I look down at the floor. There was water spreading from the wall to my bed. I got up, made sure my blanket wasn't touching the floor, and tried to figure out where the water was coming from. Just above the baseboard, the paint on the wall was bubbling out and there was a steady stream of water flowing into my room. I spent the next 20 minutes getting towels to soak up water, and moving everything that was on the floor to my bed or the laundry room. At 7am, the water was just reaching my bedroom door and starting to spill into the hallway (it had already flooded our little bathroom that seperates the two bedrooms). By this time, the rain outside had lighten up and water stopped running into my room. My carpet was soaked and there was a thin layer of water on top. I had to ask the girls to give me their towels so I could soak up water and keep it from going into the other bedroom. I did not get to take a shower and as the girls got ready for school, I was trying to decide how I was going to get the water out of my room. After we dropped the kids off at school and had our team meeting, my coworker and I borrowed a shop vacuum and a dehumidifier from Grace's shop. Two other coworkers came over with extra towels, and we started ringing out the soaked towels and putting the dry ones day (which were soaked right away). We then started vacuuming up water. We spent a couple hours taking turns vacuuming and rining out towels and moving furniture out of the room. We probably removed a 10 gallons of water from the room, and even after that the carpet still felt soaked. We'd walk around and have water pool around our feet. We got a couple fans and got those going and took a break for lunch. After that it was a matter of waiting for the floor to dry. When it was time for bed last night, the carpet was still pretty wet so I had to sleep on the couch downstairs. This morning the carpet is much drying...in certain areas. It smells, but I'm hoping that once everything is dry the smell will go away. This has been a very interesting experience, and I hope I don't have to go through it again for a long time.

pain...and the grace of God

Since my last blog, I went to California for my cousins funeral. I was able to see my aunt and grandma in Fresno who I haven't seen for almost three years. It was a blessing to be with family, and a blessing to attend an amazing memorial service. I believe God was truly glorified through it. I have since returned to to Nebraska and worked a seven day shift, had two days off, and I am on duty again for six days.

Today, I will be going to the doctor to figure out some health problems. I have a thyroid problem that I've had since high school, and until recently I was taking a natural medication for. Apparently, pharmacies aren't carrying it anymore and I'm seeing the doctor to figure out what to do. I am also seeing her for my headaches. As many of you know, I have had to deal with headaches a good chunk of my life. As I get older, they seem to be getting worse. A few years ago I had a CAT scan and a MRI, and neither of them turned up anything. Please pray that something will turn up or they will have a solution or something to help my headaches.

As I've thought over the many times I've struggled with pain (physical and emotionally), I can't help but thank God for His grace and peace. Some of my pain isn't gone, but He has been faithful and has continued to walk beside me and comfort me. In Sunday school yesterday we talked about God's grace and what does it look like in our personal lives. I can honestly say that I would not be here if it wasn't for God's grace and love. His grace and love have given me a hope...a light at the end of the tunnel if you will. No matter what happens to me or what I go through, there is always that hope of knowing I have a Savior who loves me enough He wants me to spend the rest of my life and eternity with Him. I struggle so much with so many things, but He still loves me. Working with these girls has taught me so much about myself and the extent that God would go to reveal Himself to these teens. They feel so hopeless, and I hurt for them because they don't have the hope I have. My prayer is that one day, whether it's when I'm here or years later, these girls will experience God's grace and love...which in turn will give them hope for something better. There have been many times when I have shared God's love and grace with the girls, and later realize I needed the reminder as well. God's work isn't finished in me, and His work isn't finished at Grace Childrens Home. Pray the staff will be encouraged and reminded of how much God loves them and how much He loves these kids. Pray the staff (including myself) will be encouraging and uplifting to the kids, and Christ's love will shine through up on a regular basis. Pray I will spend time in the Word and with God on a daily basis so that I can be Christ-like example to the girls. Thank you for all your support through encouragement and prayers. They are very much appreciated and needed! Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ!

it's still raining...

Sometimes when life seems to calm down it starts raining again. I don't know why I keep thinking things will get easier when I know as a Christ follower things won't be easy. As some of you know, my cousin Willy is not doing very well. He has Kearns-Sayre disease, and has lived long past what is normal for someone with K.S. disease. He doesn't have very long to live. Please keep him and his family in your prayers. Pray for peace and comfort and that God will be glorified through it all.
In other news, I have committed to staying in Nebraska longer than my original year. I'm not exactly sure how long I will be here, but I just don't think it's time for me to go yet. It has been a tough year, but I have learned so many things and grown in my relationship with Christ in ways I never would have had I stayed at home. There are many unknowns for me, but I have faith that Christ will lead me where I need to go. Thank you for your continued support and prayers. They are very much appreciated! But please keep praying.

my weakness...His strength...

I'm not sure where to begin. I feel like I have a million thoughts going through my head at the same time. I am writing this after a long day of work. Somehow I have managed to turn into the "mean" staff over the last few months. I have the gift of being able to get the girls angry at me with just a few words. I was told (jokingly) I get a raise every time that happens...which is at least once a day....so I should be very rich by the end of the summer. ;-) I'm having a hard time seeing the possibility of things getting better any time soon. I'm becoming a more strict, tough person and I don't always like that, and there are times I don't think I can do it any more. As I've been thinking over the last couple months, I keep thinking of the verse that talks about God's strength being made perfect in my weakness. I am being reminded almost every day that I can't do it on my own. There are days when the girls say some really mean, nasty stuff to me and I have a hard time brushing it off. There are days when I don't think I'm fit for this job, and there are days when I feel like a huge failure. In each and every one of these situations I can choose to listen to the lies or choose to lean on my Father's strength and truth. Let me tell you, sometimes it seems like it would be easier to listen to the lies, but then Someone will remind me how much I'm loved and that no matter what He will always be there for me. This is a daily struggle for me, and I ask that you will continue to pray for me. This job is testing me in ways I never thought of, and I'm finding myself weary and overwhelmed. I have been asked to stay on another year. I haven't given an answer yet. I think I'm too chicken to give an anwer yet. I don't want to say yes now and change my mind later. But that's what faith is, saying yes without knowing the outcome. Please pray that I will be filled with peace, compassion, and love. Pray that I will seek the Lord each and every day, and to look to Him for my strength for each and every day. Pray that I will not feel too homesick, and that I will have peace about my family. I wrote my bio grandmother again, and received another letter from her. It wasn't quite emotional as the first letter, but it brings up a lot of questions and unknowns for me. I'm not sure when I should contact my bio mother or even my bio sister who doesn't know she's my sister. I don't know what they think about me being adopted and all that surrounded that part of my life. Please keep praying about this. This is really weird for me. I have a family, but now I'm trying to get to know my biological family and I don't know how close I want to get to them. I love my adoptive family so much, and I am not seeking to replace them. I guess I'm just looking for answers to questions I've had all my life, and the possibility of telling my bio mother that I forgive her, and maybe getting to know my older half sister. My mom has talked about life being like rollarcoaster, and that is exactly how my life feels right now. God is so amazing in His love for me, and for the sacrifice He made by sending His Son to take our place on the cross. I definitely would not be the person I am today without Him in my life. As I'm reminding myself of these truths, I hope this encourages you to remember how much stronger God is. Nothing is impossible for Him, and with His help we can do anything. Nothing in this world will love you or walk alongside you or help you the way our heavenly Father does.

tough times and fun times

I can't believe it's July already. Time goes by so fast sometimes. There have been a lot of changes in the last month and a lot of challanges. I am now the primary careworker in the house I work at. This last shift was my first full shift with my new coworker. It was a very tough shift...because of the girls. However, Saturday was an amazing day. The first day in a long time that none of the girls got in trouble. Hopefully it won't be the last. :-) Yesterday I went water skiing again and finally got up. That was exciting for me. It took three different days to finally be able to get up, but I can water ski!

At the end of the summer we will be going on a 62 mile bike ride (31 miles each way) to a camp called Timberlake. We will spend three days there as a fun retreat before the kids go back to school. We also spend a lot of time swimming, working outside, and hanging out. It's important to keep them busy...it helps keep the problems at bay. :-)

I was able to go home for a visit this month. It was so nice to see family and friends again. But weird to say I was only visiting. The suprise party that I planned for my parents went very well. There were about 35 people there, and my parents were very surprised. They received $940 as an anniversary gift, and have already booked their vacation. Thank you to everyone who came and who gave money. They are very excited about going on a nice vacation. I think I'm more at peace about living in Nebraska for the time being. I continue to learn and be stretched, as well as struggle. It's hard to not let what the girls say to me when their mad get to me. But it's a good way to remind myself that who I am in Christ is more important. A couple months ago I met with a friend, and he reminded me that God doesn't need me to get something done. Some times I get so caught up in what I need to do or can do, that I think things won't happen if I don't do them. Forgetting that I am just a tool that God uses. I'm having to remind myself that it's not about me, but about God and the girls I work with.

Please keep praying for me and the staff and the kids. It's been a tough few months. Please pray that I will have the energy and compassion and understanding. Pray that Christ will become real and personal to these kids, and that they will see who Christ is through the staff. Thanks for your support and encouragment!

"Bless the Lord, O my soul,and all that is within me,bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul,and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity,who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit,who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The Lord works righteousnessand justice for all who are oppressed. He made known his ways to Moses, his acts to the people of Israel. The Lord is merciful and gracious,slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide,nor will he keep his anger forever.

He does not deal with us according to our sins,nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth,so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west,so far does he remove our transgressions from us.

As a father shows compassion to his children,so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass;he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,and its place knows it no more.

But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,and his righteousness to children's children, to those who keep his covenantand remember to do his commandments.

The Lord has established his throne in the heavens,and his kingdom rules over all.
Bless the Lord, O you his angels,you mighty ones who do his word,obeying the voice of his word!

Bless the Lord, all his hosts,his ministers, who do his will!

Bless the Lord, all his works,in all places of his dominion.Bless the Lord, O my soul!"

Psalm 103