There have been times in the last three months where I have questioned my decision to move from Nebraska to Oregon. Nothing is going the way I thought it would go. I don't have a job, I just bought a car, and I have bills coming up that will take most of the money I have left. So it would make sense I would question whether moving home was a good idea. If I didn't move home then I would still have a job and then I could save up more money before moving home. But in these moments I catch myself. Yes, life would be a lot easier if I had stayed in Nebraska, but I honestly and truly believe God wants me where I am now. In those moments of doubt, I hear a small voice reminding me that life with God isn't always easy and He is asking me to trust Him to provide for me. I wish I could say it's easy, but it's not. Over the last three months of being home I have gone up and down on an emotional rollarcoaster, and wondering what it is God wants me to do. There are days where I have so many different thoughts going on in my head that I can't concentrate on anything else, and then there are days where I feel my life is pointless and boring. Sometimes I feel being home is harder then being away from home. In all this, I believe God is working on me and in me. He's pointing out things I need to work on and things that need to change in my heart. He is showing me what it means to wait on Him and His timing, and what it means to have patience with the process. I'm not saying I have it all down and I'm doing great. I'm saying that I am a work in progress and I know God is using this time in my life to mold me even more than He already has.
I am learning how much of my heart hurts for those who do not know Him, and how many different things I would like to do but don't know where to begin. I am realizing more and more how much I love my Savior Jesus Christ, and want to live a life that reflects Him. Being a Christian is about living a Christ-centered life. It's not about looking good or about having the appearance of being a "good Christian". It's about accepting people for who they are in that moment...warts and all. It's about reaching out to the lost and the hurting...including the hurting in the body of Christ. I am learning that being a Christian is so much more than just accepting Christ into my life, and that God is so much more then I thought. My purpose here on earth is to bring glory to the Creator of the universe, and not to live a life of pleasing myself (and I am still a work in progress in this area). God has been showing me so many things about Himself that I am just in awe of Him.
I am writing all of this because I want to be real with you, and hopefully encourage you. I still mess up, and God is continually working and molding me. I am struggling with a lot of things right now, but I know God is in it all and He will provide for me. I am so thankful to have such a mighty, wonderful, merciful God looking out for me and I can't wait to see what else He has in store for me.
