Tears, Dreams, Fears, and Hope....

I'm not really sure where to begin. Things just don't happen the way you think they will.

As you all know, I came to Nebraska not long after my dad got out of the hospital. It has been a daily struggle for me to not be with my family with all that has been going on, but then that's how God tends to teach me the most. Family means a lot to me, and to not be there supporting them and helping them is very hard for me. God never said it would be easy to follow Him, and I am being reminded of that each and every day. I would like to share Psalm 25 (it's long).

"To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul. O my God, in you I trust; let me not be put to shame; let not my enemies exult over me. Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame; they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous.

Make me to know your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long. Remember your mercy, O LORD, and your steadfast love, for they have been from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to your steadfast love, remember me, for the sake of your goodness, O LORD!

Good and upright is the LORD; therefore he instructs sinners in the way. He leads the humble in what is right and teaches the humble his way. All the paths of the LORD are steafast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies.

For your name's sake, O LORD, pardon my guilt for it is great. Who is the man who fears the LORD? Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose. His soul shall abide in well-being, and his offspring shall inherit the land. The friendship of the LORD is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant. My eyes are ever toward the LORD, for he will pluck my feet out of the net.

Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins. Consider how many are my foes,and with what violent hatred they hate me. Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me! Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you." (ESV)

God is faithful and He will never leave me. I am finding that every day I have to remind myself to turn to Him for strength and wisdom. I have been here for over six months and I am feeling very worn out mind, body, and soul. As I write this, my body is trying to get over bronchitis. This is the fourth time I have been sick in the last two months, and almost every time I have been on duty. I could use a long spiritual retreat as well as a physical one. However, I know that God is here with me and will help me as long as I am willing to turn to Him. There have been some very difficult days, and as I am getting ready for bed I realize that I didn't give it over to God. I haven't been covering myself, my coworkers, the kids, and this organization in prayer. For our battle is not against flesh and blood. I feel as though I have failed in that area, and God has been convicting me to spend more time with Him and turning to Him in those difficult times/circumstances. Why is that so hard to do?

I have also been struggling emotionally with some personal things. For those that don't know, I am adopted. I was adopted when I was six years old, though I lived with my adopted parents for the two years before that. I have an older half sister that was adopted by our biological grandparents. I always knew I had a sister growing up, and I knew that I would one day want to find her and reconnect. About a month ago, I wrote a letter to my bio grandparents telling them I would like to have contact with them and my sister. A week ago, I received a letter from my bio grandmother. She was very excited to hear from me and would like to stay in contact. As for my older sister, she told me that she is now twenty seven, married, and has three young children. I was so excited to hear this because it means I'm an aunt!!! Which has always been one of my dreams. Then came the bad news, they never told my sister she was adopted. She thinks she is my aunt...not my sister. I don't think I can tell you well enough in words how much this hurts me. I think the last time I cried that hard was when my dad wasn't doing well in the hospital. My bio grandmother also asked me not to say anything to my sister...I can still get in touch with her, but I can't tell her what relation I am to her. Please be praying for me. This journey is far from over. I still have to decide if and when I would want to get in touch with my sister, and if I want to get in touch with my bio mother again. This will be a very emotional and trying time. I'm glad I have gotten in touch with my bio grandmother, but it will be a long process to get to know her and possibly other family members. I know this is pretty personal, but I would like your prayers and this is part of who I am.

On my parents' blog I shared a song called "Praise You in the Storm". This song has been running through my head again. I want to share part of it with you because this is what I believe and know to be true.

"I was sure by know, God, You would have reached down, and wipped my tears away...stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say Amen, and it's still raining. As the thunder rolls, I hear You whisper through the rain, I am with you. And as Your mercy falls, I lift my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise You in this storm, and I will lift my hands. For You are who You are, no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand. You never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm.

I lift my eyes unto the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."

My, how time does fly....

It has been almost 6 months since I moved out here. Craziness! Work has been somewhat stressful lately. This last shift was the first shift that has gone smooth in a long time. I am only working with three girls right now, but we will be getting some new girls soon. I think I'm getting sick for the third time in two months. I've had to work off and on during my three days off because one of the couples that works here had their baby Sunday night. I haven't been able to sleep in at all during my three days off. However, the extra work is good because I am going home for a visit in June for 9 days. Since I don't have vacation days yet, working extra is a way to cover those days I'll be gone.

A week ago I went to a two day conference in Omaha for an Adoption conference. It was very good, but somewhat emotional...which I wasn't expecting. Now my boss wants me to do a training on the stuff they talked about there. I'm not sure where to begin.

I got to experience my first tornado storm while I was in Omaha. That was crazy and exciting. There were a couple tornadoes that hit down in a couple towns right outside Omaha. It was so windy, with thunder and lightning and rain. the storm lasted about 1 1/2 hours in the evening.

The school year ends in about a month and a half. Then we start all our fun summer activities which includes water skiing. I'm looking forward to having some fun and getting some sun this summer. :-) I'm also looking forward to going home for a visit in June. Yay!

The last couple months has been hard for me. I've been really homesick, and as some of you know our family dog hurt herself and there was talk of putting her down. I've also been struggling with spending time in the Word daily, and just feeling quite alone. I'm doing pretty good now, but it is hard being away from family and friends. I wouldn't want to give up this experience for anything. I have been learning so much about myself and about working with teens. Thank you for supporting me and praying for me. I really appreciate it!